Love

Back in December I wrote something to you Lexi, and it goes like this…

“Alexa, I have not lost you, I have gained an amazing constant love that is greater than any other physical relationship we can encounter.”

Each day I am growing, each day I continue to learn from you, each day I am still giving thanks to you and realize how true that quote really is. I’ve learned a lot about human nature, and a lot about what we do here, what we focus on, what we make the pinnacle of our lives, and It is all so wrong. I am so grateful for having this wisdom, now to try to put it to work will be the challenge. Here’s what I know…I know that as human beings we live through a very physical and material world, I also know that physical and material are so meaningless in our lives. I am learning all about love. So foolish of me to think I knew all I had to know about love. I have 10 brothers and sisters, 2 children of my own and an amazing husband. So that is all I need to know about love, right? Wrong. The love that I am learning right now is so intense and so deep and so beyond this world, that I will never be able to do it Justice with words. It’s a new door that has been opened, because of Alexa, It is where my faith has been “trying” to lead me and others every moment of our lives but we keep missing it. The reason why death is so unbearable to us is because we have lost the physical and material part of that life. But that is not what defines love, what defines love has nothing to do with the physical, we only learn through the physical world and are put into contact with each others souls that way. So once we no longer have that physical contact and that physical life with our loved ones, where does that leave us. If you are lucky enough to realize, we are where we have always been, filled with love that is alive everyday, that continues to grow everyday, it does not go away when  someone leaves us and we can’t touch them anymore. It manifests inside of you and all of a sudden it is overflowing, and when it happens all I can do is stand in shock, here it goes again, It’s like Alexa is dancing around inside my heart and my soul, with such joy and excitement, “Mommy I’m so proud, Mommy now you know, God sent me to you to teach you all about love, and now God is so proud of Me!” You see, her mission has been accomplished here, she came to do this, she succeeded and she went home, now she is waiting for all of us to learn, to succeed upon this mystery of love. They say the body is only a vehicle for the soul, what a perfect example. The world of eternal life has nothing to do with anything physical and material, we just up and leave one day, all money, all possessions and treasures we leave behind, they don’t mean a thing. What we are left with is love, It is the root of everything, It is all we really need to know. So what joins the physical world with heaven is love, and we would all be so much more in touch with the spiritual world and more in touch with the fruit of our souls if we could just realize and let go of the physical and material world, that is all too important to us. So it is another Ah-Ha moment for me. That’s what the Lord wants me to know, that Alexa is in me, with me, will never leave me, because she is in fact very alive, and the Love I feel everyday is the proof. And remember, most importantly, LOVE IS ETERNAL.

No Need for Words

Sweetest Little Angel

Aching Inside

I found this poem online, It’s been really, really bad these last couple of days…I miss my Lexi Pie so badly, please say some prayers for Lexi and her Mommy, Daddy and Joshy, we really need them.

“Ask My Mom How She Is”
(unknown)
My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more. 
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can’t describe the pain. 
Ask my Mom how she is,
She’ll say”I’m alright.”
If that’s the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ? 
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn’t have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell. 
Ask my Mom how she is,
“I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken 
She’ll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near. On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say,
“You’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!”

Big Bubba

 JOSHUA ALWAYS HELD ALEXA’S HAND, EVERYTIME I TURNED AROUND IN THE CAR, THERE THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS, AS AN INFANT, LEXI WOULD LAY IN THE CRIB AND JOSHUA WOULD WAIT FOR US TO GET HER UP EVERY MORNING WITH HIS HAND THROUGH THE BARS OF THE CRIB HOLDING HERS.

Alexa and Joshua remain to be two of the closest, most extraordinary brother and sister I have ever seen. Lexi’s big brother has honored, adored and unconditionally loved her since she was in my belly. I am so proud of my son and through all of the fog and confusion have made it a point to explain to him how very proud I am. As uncontrollable tears streamed down my face I realized I hadn’t told this brave, proud 3 year old brother how much his role, actions and affection affected Alexa’s life in such a way. Joshua was always on Alexa’s mind, especially when she didn’t feel well. I have numerous videos of her on some really bad days, laughing, bouncing around and calling “bub” then I would say ok, call Daddy Lex, and again she would say “bub”. In that soft, beautiful, angelic little voice of hers, it was clear who she needed. Joshua would run in the door everyday that we had to be apart, just like it was the first day he had seen her, “Lexi!! Big Bubbas home honey”. He called her honey, like a little man, a protector, a real big brother. There was never an ounce of jealousy, just lots of love and concern. I could clearly remember two incidents that will always bring tears to my eyes. When Alexa was first admitted to the hospital in April, the very first time her brother came to see her after his first time being apart from her ever, he hovered over the bed with her aunts and I and started singing “you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray, you’ll never know how dear much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away” Those words really did sting at that very moment, and I have a video of that moment, my face tells it all, I couldn’t bear to hear those words “please don’t take my sunshine away”. Another time that distinctly stands out for me was the last time we were in the hospital, as soon as Joshua got into the room he immediately went up to Lexi, she had a feeding tube in her nose and an oxygen canister in her nose, the first thing he said to her was “Lexi, you look so pretty”. An average 3 year old would start asking me what this tube is and whats that doing on her and so on. Not Joshua, he is so very special. He is unbelievable, she is always put first with him, and he continues to involve Alexa in his everyday. He told me that he wanted to build a really, really tall latter so he can bring Lexi’s toys up to heaven for her. He has picked out some of his toys that he says he is bringing to heaven for Lexi when he gets really, really old and gets to go there. You know you’ve got some amazing gifts from God, when your children who are 1 and 3 years old are teaching you all about life. I speak not only for myself, although the depth of my situation couldn’t possibly touch all who love my children the way it touches me, there are some amazing transformations and truths about life, that MY CHILDREN are teaching us here. I cannot explain to anyone, or expect anyone to ever understand how these two have made life here so clear. I will say, beware…to anyone who thinks they know the meaning of this life, beware. I suspect you don’t even realize everyday when you wake, that your child is not yours, your child is a heavenly gift. Our children are just that, gifts from God, if you don’t believe so, one day you will certainly face God, an all will be revealed. I will say that I feel very blessed and extremely lucky that God chose me to be the Mommy of this real Angel. The gifts of love and wisdom, I cannot undermine here, I was given the most surreal experience, and every time I feel myself slipping under and about to lose control, that spark of amazement hits me all over again. As I look into my sons beaming brown eyes, there is a clear answer, it’s straight to the core of my very being here, my purpose, to live like a child, so honest and true, so innocent and full of love, so vibrant about the little pleasures, the gifts from God, the simple ones. My daughter was presented to Jesus as the most pure soul, not one sin…that is truly a blessing. Alexa remains with her big bub every second of the day, he always tells me, “mommy, Lexi is so pretty” “mommy, I love Lexi so much” I know their love and connection will only be strengthened never be broken. I can say with uttermost confidence, I am the proudest Mommy in the entire world. Thank you Jesus for the amazing gifts you have given me in this life.