“Words from an Angel”
I have not turned my back on you,
So there is no need to cry.
I’m watching you from heaven,
Just beyond the morning sky.
I’ve seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked the Lord to comfort you,
And watched Him take your hand.
He told me you are in more pain,
Than I could ever be.
He wiped his eyes and swallowed hard,
Then gave your hand to me.
Although you may not feel my hand
Or see me by your side
I’ve whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried,
So please try not to ache for me
We’ll meet again one day
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
Archive for January, 2012
“Words from an Angel”
I am utterly captivated by you Alexa. I’ve just been struck again in awe of you. My Angel, how can I explain this to anyone. Something comes over me and it is the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever had in my life. So many of you will wonder how can she be feeling this way…I can’t believe this myself. I think of Alexa and I am suddenly struck by this, she has had such an impact on my life but it doesn’t stop there, look at the people she has and will continue to touch everyday. Is this possible, that a baby can do this? It is not possible for a baby to do this, she is not an ordinary baby, she is a Saint. Her eyes pierce through me as I gaze at her photos, it’s like she knew something all along. But now I know something about being here, everyday has to be lived in preparation for the day we get called home. You can challenge that if you wish, but I think it will be hard to prove otherwise. Think about it. I was not living that way, as close as I thought I was coming I wasn’t living up to it. Every moment is a struggle for me, I can’t even put it into minutes, hours and forget about days, it’s each and every moment, but somehow, my Angel keeps coming through for me, right when I need her, she has not left me, and she will not leave me, for a Mom like me to be able find faith, even if just for a second everyday, I will say that I can see the Light… and it is so amazing when that happens to you. Most people will come to this earth and not be able to make a fraction of an impact in their entire lives here as the impact that Alexa has made in one short year, but the influence she has brought here will live on for an eternity, as I will bring this through eternity with me. Once again Alexa I love you, I am struck by you, complete and utter awe of you, Thank you God for this unbelievable opportunity…
Will you be forever one? One Christmas, One Easter, One birthday with Daddy, One birthday with Joshua, One birthday with Mommy, One Summer, All we got was one. I don’t even want to think about the unspeakable guilt and pain of your ONE birthday you were aloud to have with us. I couldn’t give you your beautiful party, I couldn’t watch you open any presents. Why is it that I couldn’t just honor the LOVE of my life with our family, why couldn’t I get you dressed up in your beautiful TUTU dress that I custom ordered for you spending weeks to decide on colors and picking the perfect ballet shoes to go with it. All I ever wanted to do was honor you Alexa. I spent so much time and energy just planning for our future and every event that was going to be for you was so extra special, because you are my adored and glorified little girl. We spent your birthday in the hospital, you cried all day, in fact all month, the pain of that memory will weigh on my heart like the heaviest weight I can bear without my heart actually being ripped out. All of the days that I couldn’t control what was going on are slicing me up inside right now, I feel the urge to look you in the eyes and tell you again, how sorry I am. To lose control and watch you deal with relentless pain one day after the next, I could die just thinking about it, and people will say, “don’t let yourself go back there” well I have to. My life is such a blur, since the day I first brought you to Yale, it was in fast forward and like a video I was watching, you don’t have time to register what is going on, you just have to “Do” and do it fast for your child. I hope that I was the best Mommy for you, I hope that I did a good job of knowing what you needed when you needed it. I know for Damn sure that I didn’t let any of those filthy hands poke you any more than they had to and I know I watched every one of them with such an intensity, I knew their every move when they went near you, and you couldn’t stand anyone near you. I am Sorry Alexa. I don’t know how I am going to do this Life without being able to touch you, hold you, kiss you, smell you, hear you, watch you grow with Joshua. My best friend, we were one Lex, you and Mommy, that’s why I call you Little MaMa, you were a complete and utter copy of me. I could just dream of doing your hair, right now, your hair would be finally growing back, what mommy doesn’t get the joy of doing her daughter’s hair. This one, this mommy got shafted. I couldn’t wait to get you to dance or gymnastics, to school, to buy you new clothes, to do our nails together, to hear you talk to me like Joshua does, just about life, and questions you would have. I just want to be a Mommy, that’s all I ever wanted to be, I don’t have any other desires, none for me, I’m the most unselfish I could be. I devote my life to my children, but now what do I do Lex? I never took my children or my life for granted, like so many people do, until something happens. I wasn’t waiting for something to happen, from the moment I was pregnant with my children I thanked God, in fact I asked God for my children each time. And it wasn’t the smoothest road to get both of you here, I could not believe I was blessed with a little boy and a little girl, how amazing. The fact of it all is that I have my little girl, I have you more than I had you when you were here, It’s just hard for us to comprehend while we are here on this earth. I know that when I see you, you will be a little older, I had the dream already Lex, while you were in treatment, you had long dark hair and you ran up to me, jumped into my arms and wrapped your arms and legs around me and gave me the biggest hug ever. You were about 7 or 8 in my dream. I can’t wait to hug you!! But lets not forget here, there is a mystery to this, Lexi was diagnosed with a disease that had a 95% cure rate, in some cases a 100% cure rate, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? I would like some answers…
Alexa continues to amaze me. Her gifts of wisdom and love that she brought here with her to share and teach are amazing. There is this undeniable force in my life that has taken over. It’s not just me though, I sit in awe and speak of Alexa and everyone around me is just enveloped in “Alexa”. What did you do to us Little Girl, so amazing, could this really be, you showed us God. It sounds so textbook, so much like a movie being made. You really showed us God, you really were an Angel, offered to ME?! Me, of everyone who could be chosen, the greatest gift I could have ever been given. This is a Thank You to my brave little Mama, who fought so hard and was so good at it, that I didn’t even know she was fighting at times. The smiles, the kisses, the giggles, the hugs, the moments…How on earth did you do it Lex? There is just one answer, you were sent from heaven, an Angel on a mission.
THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALEXA MARIE……
Alexa’s story will be told….This is a step that must be taken for her honor