Silent Tears

My journey has become my own. I am realizing how silent this pain remains, inside of me, for only me to feel. The fact that I haven’t written recently is in no way an indication of how I am feeling. The pain grows more with each day. Not a moment, not a breath goes by without my sweet Alexa on my mind. The only way to describe where I am right now on this journey is to say I am ALONE. I’m ok with being alone, because nobody can possibly know how Alexa’s mom feels, but I guess Alexa knows I should say. It used to be that I cried to my loved ones everyday, now I cry by myself everyday. I can see how a parent has to adjust with time when you lose a child. Its only for you. No matter how much support is offered, it just gets old talking to people about the same thing, that they will never understand. I try to still reach out, because I know those who love me never want me to stop reaching out. I know I am never alone when I cry, My Angel is always there, she finds some amazing ways to let me know, and when she chooses to let me know she is there, she doesn’t stop until it is blatantly obvious. She is Amazing.

I recently was on a trip with my family, in the warm sunshine and beautiful 80 degree weather. It was so amazing to see my son running around having the time of his life, and then it hurt so bad all at the same time. I just wanted to see her, big and grown with him, running around. Again, she made it clear that she was there many times. I held her sister in the hot sun, pressing her little head against my cheek, and I just melted, all I could smell was Alexa. The summer I had with my baby, when she had such a beautiful bald little head, and she would sweat that sweet smelling little sweat on her Mommy, and I would just inhale, and embrace every ounce of her goodness. So I hid behind my sunglasses and silently cried the days away. Nobody could see me, nobody could hear me, it was just me talking to Alexa, and she got me through it. I feel most comfortable crying alone, It’s frustrating to cry to someone when they just won’t get it. This will be for the rest of my life. One thing I am very excited about, The way time just keeps going here, very quickly too. I’m closer to Heaven and closer to seeing my sweet angel again.

I promise you Lex, like I do everyday, I am going to do my job and do it as well as I can. I strive to be like you, so perfectly pleasing to God. Help me find my way, guide me in every step that I take and lead me home to you. My sweet Angel, My Saint Alexa…