Courageous Journey of An Angel on Earth

Wish we could Dance

It’s another one of those days, much like every other day. But today the weight of the world is bearing down on me. I’ve been reading and following too many children that are going through far too much suffering. It’s just boiling inside of me, and then I can’t take it and I just collapse. I know Alexa has changed my heart and soul forever, the agony that I can feel for others is so real, more real than ever before. I wouldn’t want to be any other way, I’m ok with feeling pain, I am living it.

So I let myself put on some music today. I can’t stand silence in my home. It just reminds me that Alexa isn’t running around here screaming, giggling, playing and talking to her Mommy. Asking me constant questions as she would be. Not napping for me, like I know she wouldn’t be. I really don’t like music anymore, it just breaks me down so quickly that all of the strength I’ve built to get through the day just buckles when I hear certain songs. Then there are songs that don’t even relate to Alexa in any way, but just the fact that it’s a song you listen to when you feel really good tears me down. Brown eyed girl came on. Lexi and I danced a lot. I always had music on through the morning and I just couldn’t help but pick her up and dance with her. We listened to a lot of oldies.

My little brown eyed beauty, I just want to pick you up and dance with you so badly, I could dance my life away holding you in my arms…Save a dance for me In Heaven my Angel. I promise I will ask for one.

So she is and always will be my brown eyed girl…Always with me, we will meet again in the love and light and glory of God. I love you Alexa Marie..IMG_0568

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Silent Tears

My journey has become my own. I am realizing how silent this pain remains, inside of me, for only me to feel. The fact that I haven’t written recently is in no way an indication of how I am feeling. The pain grows more with each day. Not a moment, not a breath goes by without my sweet Alexa on my mind. The only way to describe where I am right now on this journey is to say I am ALONE. I’m ok with being alone, because nobody can possibly know how Alexa’s mom feels, but I guess Alexa knows I should say. It used to be that I cried to my loved ones everyday, now I cry by myself everyday. I can see how a parent has to adjust with time when you lose a child. Its only for you. No matter how much support is offered, it just gets old talking to people about the same thing, that they will never understand. I try to still reach out, because I know those who love me never want me to stop reaching out. I know I am never alone when I cry, My Angel is always there, she finds some amazing ways to let me know, and when she chooses to let me know she is there, she doesn’t stop until it is blatantly obvious. She is Amazing.

I recently was on a trip with my family, in the warm sunshine and beautiful 80 degree weather. It was so amazing to see my son running around having the time of his life, and then it hurt so bad all at the same time. I just wanted to see her, big and grown with him, running around. Again, she made it clear that she was there many times. I held her sister in the hot sun, pressing her little head against my cheek, and I just melted, all I could smell was Alexa. The summer I had with my baby, when she had such a beautiful bald little head, and she would sweat that sweet smelling little sweat on her Mommy, and I would just inhale, and embrace every ounce of her goodness. So I hid behind my sunglasses and silently cried the days away. Nobody could see me, nobody could hear me, it was just me talking to Alexa, and she got me through it. I feel most comfortable crying alone, It’s frustrating to cry to someone when they just won’t get it. This will be for the rest of my life. One thing I am very excited about, The way time just keeps going here, very quickly too. I’m closer to Heaven and closer to seeing my sweet angel again.

I promise you Lex, like I do everyday, I am going to do my job and do it as well as I can. I strive to be like you, so perfectly pleasing to God. Help me find my way, guide me in every step that I take and lead me home to you. My sweet Angel, My Saint Alexa…

My Beautiful Angel..Forever

Forever and ever, we are one…Forever and ever, my love for you will grow…Forever and ever, we will spend together. I am going to leave this life and the ways of this world behind me one day Alexa. Just like you have. It is my destiny, Heaven. I will meet you, and see you in all of God’s Glory, one beautiful day. All of the time and space, the hurt and pain, the sadness and sorrow, the anguish, fears and loneliness will dissipate. 

It was one year ago tonight that I laid down next to you for the last time that you would sleep here on this earth. I can’t even begin to describe the pain. The tears just won’t stop. I long to let go of the treacherous memories that I allow myself to feel. I try to redirect my heart and remember us laughing together, you kissing Mommy and your beautiful little giggle, while you, Daddy and Joshua rolled around playing on the floor. But the evil of this cruel world won’t let me forget. The night I want to remember, I am trying to rearrange in my head and it’s not working. All I can think is you don’t deserve what you had to endure, as your Mommy, I can’t cope with the fact that I couldn’t stop it for the life of me. So I turned to God, and I asked him, please don’t let my baby suffer any longer. Please put an end to this Lord. And he answered. But there is a beauty in the suffering of this world. The beauty is when God intercedes, and brings peace to your heart. It was God interceding for us Alexa, and you know now more than I, that only he can bring real peace and love to your heart and soul. I have experienced only a touch of what God can do, and I look forward everyday to experiencing Heaven with you. I know that what you can see and feel, I cannot even fathom. I am so happy that you don’t have to feel the pain of this life. Some will never understand me, and some sadly do understand me, it takes a special person to be able to make sense of that statement.

ImageSo as time goes on, I want to spread the word of the Amazing Alexa Marie Sanner. No time or space will ever separate me from you. Our love is so immense, immeasurable and insurmountable. I will not focus on time here, I will only focus on my goal. You sweet Alexa were sent here on a mission, a mission from the Heavens and the the Lord, and you as we know, accomplished all that he needed you for here on this earth. Now you are in Heaven, working hard to bring Gods love and truth into the hearts of the loved ones you have here. I look forward everyday to the promise of Heaven, I know Heaven is real, I know you are a true Saint, brought forth to Christ so pure and sinless. What an amazing blessing you are Alexa. I am so honored to be you Mommy. I also know that you have touched so many lives and changed so many people here. I just recently received a card from someone who was working with us while you were in treatment. She told me the story of what you did for her and how you changed her life, how you paved the way for her, and how you taught her to surrender to God. You my love are Amazing. Obviously, you are always with me, we talk every moment of everyday, I am constantly told by Father Donahue and Father Chacko, that you have not gone anywhere and I will in fact see you again. And that I do know. As  we continue ticking on down here, I know I am closer everyday. Again, I will thank God for the blessing of Alexa. And Alexa, you know as well as I, the amazing events that have taken place in our lives since you went to Heaven, would not have been possible if you were not our Saint in Heaven, interceding for us and bringing our Prayers directly to the Lord. We are so lucky, so grateful and so extraordinarily blessed. I will be longing to see you my love, everyday until my time has come, but I have a job to finish here, I am a Mommy, and when he is pleased with my work, I pray I will be greeted by you, to be swept off to an eternity of pure bliss, Heaven, with you Forever…

Loving You More Everyday…

Alexa, we love you more and more everyday that passes.. I feel you in my heart, my soul and every fiber of my being. I’ve been thinking about what the bible says about Heaven being near. I always have felt that way and it feels really good for Mommy to know that there is a fine line between this reality and the glory of Heaven. I have been spending a lot of time following and reading about other children who are facing what you have faced and each time I read I fall apart, my heart hurts for these children beyond anything words could describe. I know that you are watching over all of them. I am so thankful that God saved you Lex, so many people will never understand, so many people will never feel the Glory of God that you brought into my life, and it is everlasting and eternal. Again, I will say thank you to God for saving my beautiful little girl from any further pain or suffering, from the corruption of this cruel world, from years of battling.. He raised you right into his glory, I feel you with me with every breath I take, I know you never leave me and I know I will see you soon. I am so proud of you and so amazed by your wisdom. Yes it is hard to live in this world, but the pain cannot compare with the glory that is to come when I meet you in Heaven. It is the reality of this world, we are all leaving and we have no idea when, we have to trust God that his plan is perfect, And God knows Mommy’s heart, and I trust him fully, I trust that his plan is Perfect. Can’t wait for those sweet kisses My Angel.

Love,

Mommy

Amazing Grace

For you Miss Alexa, Mommys Amazing Grace, you have saved me, you showed me the light in this life, you continue to lead me everyday, my days are full of your love and joy, I strive to be like you, this is my dedication to you, I listen to it everyday with you by my side…I love you sweet Angel and patiently await the day he calls me home to be with you…

Forgiveness

My mind is boggled, I’m trying to understand the actions of others and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I’m learning about all of the layers of this reality, and slowly peeling through each one, trying to let my heart be aware of every little emotion that I feel, because I want to continue to keep growing and changing in a positive way, a way in which Lexi will be so proud of her Mommy. But again, I am only human and as hard as I try, I will fall, I will react and I will be angry and hurt sometimes. The beauty of all of this is when you realize the ones who love you will not be offended, will not judge you, will not question you, they are just there to support you no matter what you are feeling and no matter what your decisions or actions may be. The effort that it takes to gracefully make your way through yet another day while your child is in Heaven is immeasurable. I am hurt easily by the people who can claim to be close to us in our lives but are lacking the compassion that goes along with a loving relationship, a truly loving relationship that is. I’ve learned quickly who truly loves Me, My Husband and our dearest sweet children. They are the people who will bite their tongues, swallow their pride, and although they don’t quite get us, they try to make us a comfortable as possible and respect our every wish, and again, not question our actions EVER. Most people will never understand, in order to make it through a day, I have to sift through each and every situation I put myself in, I have to think before I put myself around certain people, who can trigger certain emotions that will push me right over the edge. If that does happen, it takes an awful long time to pick myself up again, and not only that, I have to struggle with one of the bigger struggles I am trying to face in this journey, and that is called forgiveness. I promised Lexi and God that I would forgive anyone who hurt and offended me, and God knows it’s a lot more people than they will ever know. Some have really overstepped their boundaries. I have always tried to be a very honest and open person when it comes to how I feel, I’ve been this way my entire life, I am not comfortable in my closest relationships unless I can tell you exactly how I am feeling. I’ve encountered some challenges when I’ve tried to be this way outside of my immediate family. I am fortunate that I grew up in a family that was very close, very supportive, very open with each other, we always said “I love you” we always kissed hello, good-bye and goodnight, and we still do. I believe that is one of the characteristics God instilled in me in preparation for my life experience with Alexa, had I not been this way, things would be a lot more difficult for me. Now I am facing people and situations that don’t get me, which means, they don’t get my relationship with my daughter, which in turn means I get hurt. It is very hard for me to interact with anyone who doesn’t understand the depth, importance and intensity of who Alexa is to me. If you don’t know me on the deepest level, you don’t know that raw love, that raw emotion, the overwhelming love and passion I have for my child, and although I will have to get used to facing people who don’t know me on that level, I’m just not there right now. So for now, I try to eliminate those people from my life, some old relationships will end and some very special new relationships are blooming. My hope is that people who love us and are close to us will have patience, a patience like no other, this requires selflessness, this requires you to put us before how you feel sometimes, for the sake of knowing that this is the most painful, unbearable, unimaginable situation any of us could ever face in a lifetime. I am so very happy that My husband and I have been so strong, understanding of each other, supportive of each other and the very best parents we could be to Joshua and Alexa. I know Alexa is in Heaven talking about her Mommy, Daddy and brother and how wonderful they are. That I am full of Joy for. I pray to become a better person, to be able to forgive, to not have any negative feelings towards people who hurt me, I am making progress, it is slow, but I will get there. I have to remember, some people are too selfish, too naive and don’t even know what a child is to some parents, and some parents themselves don’t even know what their children truly are to them, that is sad and that is one of my biggest struggles, but I will conquer these feelings, with the guidance of Alexa and the Lord. As for my husband, a man doesn’t quite express himself like a woman, but he is Alexa’s Daddy, Alexa is his little girl forever, he had dreams, hopes and a future with his little girl, the depth of how I feel matches the depth of how he feels, so please don’t be fooled by the fact that he is a man, being strong for his family, running a successful business on his own, providing for his family and smiling on the outside. He is torn, mangled and weak in his heart right now, so please remember, he needs the emotional support as much as I do, he needs to hear about Alexa, he needs to hear that she loves him immensely and that he is an amazing Daddy above and beyond what many Dads are. I always remind my Husband of how different and special we are, Alexa validated that for me, I always knew inside I had very different emotions than most in this world, but this Angel came along and proved her Mommy right. This makes our lives difficult, difficult to try to relate to some who sadly will never get this life, the meaning and purpose and the fact the God is the one and only thing that makes this world go around.

Missing you Alexa

Well time really has a way of wearing on us. My heart feels so heavy dreaming of all of my moments with my little girl and wishing I could hold her. It’s a cycle, you draw strength to put one foot in front of the other, then you burn out and come crashing down, and you’re like a helpless child crying and wailing from the pain. And then you pick yourself up, again and again. I’m told I’ll get better at “coping”. And that is coming from other Moms and Dads who have lost children. I don’t take any advice from anyone who doesn’t know what it  is like to be me. I guess I can see that yes, we will grow and change, because the strength God draws out of a parent like me is a real wonder. But never will that mean that we miss our Angel any less, never will that mean our days are once again fulfilled, it just means we can accept the will of God and this life. I talk to my Lexi everyday, I just know that she is always with me and I have so much to say to her. Sometimes I wonder if I’m making it difficult for her when she has to see her Mommy in so much pain and suffering, because the flip side is, my baby is free of any pain, tears and suffering we can experience here and yes, I am grateful to God for that. It’s just torture not being able to hold your baby, smell your baby, feel that soft skin against your cheek and most of all I have to say, I miss the way Alexa reacted to her Mommy, hearing my voice and whipping her head around to give me the biggest, nose scrunching smile ever. I miss the way I could make her giggle uncontrollably and we would just get lost in the moment, by far the biggest joy of my life, the uncontrollable giggle moments with my children. But I’m learning that one of the most difficult things is going to be the fact that everyone around you that experienced this with you will heal rather quickly, and for the most part, they have gone about their days pretty normally, maybe occasionally thinking about your pain, but most people don’t want to give it a moment, for the sake of their discomfort maybe at trying to imagine this nightmare and then just wanting to never even consider it could be them. But the truth is, my pain has yet to peak, like I said, time just wears at you, when you miss your little baby it’s like everyday is a surprise all over again, you still are waking up saying, “really?” You start to think how can I endure one more day, and yet the sun sets and there goes another. The light through all of this darkness, “this too shall pass” and everyday that I make it through, is one day closer. And an amazing miracle of the mystery of Love, my love for Alexa grows and grows, everyday, just the same as my love for Joshua, so where it matters, I am gaining, rich in love and making unbelievable progress. I love my dolly, I miss her terribly, I can’t wait to hold her again, and I know she can’t wait for us to experience Heaven with her. This is not meant to be a negative post, It’s just whats real. And the foundation of this all is that our love will be able to endure any storm until we no longer have to face the storms of this life. I love you Alexa Marie, I am so proud of you, I will continue to make you proud, I promise…You know your Mommy’s heart, you can read me like a book, thank you my little Angel so wise for teaching me all about true love, courage, strength and the purpose of our being.

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