My mind is boggled, I’m trying to understand the actions of others and I can’t quite wrap my head around it. I’m learning about all of the layers of this reality, and slowly peeling through each one, trying to let my heart be aware of every little emotion that I feel, because I want to continue to keep growing and changing in a positive way, a way in which Lexi will be so proud of her Mommy. But again, I am only human and as hard as I try, I will fall, I will react and I will be angry and hurt sometimes. The beauty of all of this is when you realize the ones who love you will not be offended, will not judge you, will not question you, they are just there to support you no matter what you are feeling and no matter what your decisions or actions may be. The effort that it takes to gracefully make your way through yet another day while your child is in Heaven is immeasurable. I am hurt easily by the people who can claim to be close to us in our lives but are lacking the compassion that goes along with a loving relationship, a truly loving relationship that is. I’ve learned quickly who truly loves Me, My Husband and our dearest sweet children. They are the people who will bite their tongues, swallow their pride, and although they don’t quite get us, they try to make us a comfortable as possible and respect our every wish, and again, not question our actions EVER. Most people will never understand, in order to make it through a day, I have to sift through each and every situation I put myself in, I have to think before I put myself around certain people, who can trigger certain emotions that will push me right over the edge. If that does happen, it takes an awful long time to pick myself up again, and not only that, I have to struggle with one of the bigger struggles I am trying to face in this journey, and that is called forgiveness. I promised Lexi and God that I would forgive anyone who hurt and offended me, and God knows it’s a lot more people than they will ever know. Some have really overstepped their boundaries. I have always tried to be a very honest and open person when it comes to how I feel, I’ve been this way my entire life, I am not comfortable in my closest relationships unless I can tell you exactly how I am feeling. I’ve encountered some challenges when I’ve tried to be this way outside of my immediate family. I am fortunate that I grew up in a family that was very close, very supportive, very open with each other, we always said “I love you” we always kissed hello, good-bye and goodnight, and we still do. I believe that is one of the characteristics God instilled in me in preparation for my life experience with Alexa, had I not been this way, things would be a lot more difficult for me. Now I am facing people and situations that don’t get me, which means, they don’t get my relationship with my daughter, which in turn means I get hurt. It is very hard for me to interact with anyone who doesn’t understand the depth, importance and intensity of who Alexa is to me. If you don’t know me on the deepest level, you don’t know that raw love, that raw emotion, the overwhelming love and passion I have for my child, and although I will have to get used to facing people who don’t know me on that level, I’m just not there right now. So for now, I try to eliminate those people from my life, some old relationships will end and some very special new relationships are blooming. My hope is that people who love us and are close to us will have patience, a patience like no other, this requires selflessness, this requires you to put us before how you feel sometimes, for the sake of knowing that this is the most painful, unbearable, unimaginable situation any of us could ever face in a lifetime. I am so very happy that My husband and I have been so strong, understanding of each other, supportive of each other and the very best parents we could be to Joshua and Alexa. I know Alexa is in Heaven talking about her Mommy, Daddy and brother and how wonderful they are. That I am full of Joy for. I pray to become a better person, to be able to forgive, to not have any negative feelings towards people who hurt me, I am making progress, it is slow, but I will get there. I have to remember, some people are too selfish, too naive and don’t even know what a child is to some parents, and some parents themselves don’t even know what their children truly are to them, that is sad and that is one of my biggest struggles, but I will conquer these feelings, with the guidance of Alexa and the Lord. As for my husband, a man doesn’t quite express himself like a woman, but he is Alexa’s Daddy, Alexa is his little girl forever, he had dreams, hopes and a future with his little girl, the depth of how I feel matches the depth of how he feels, so please don’t be fooled by the fact that he is a man, being strong for his family, running a successful business on his own, providing for his family and smiling on the outside. He is torn, mangled and weak in his heart right now, so please remember, he needs the emotional support as much as I do, he needs to hear about Alexa, he needs to hear that she loves him immensely and that he is an amazing Daddy above and beyond what many Dads are. I always remind my Husband of how different and special we are, Alexa validated that for me, I always knew inside I had very different emotions than most in this world, but this Angel came along and proved her Mommy right. This makes our lives difficult, difficult to try to relate to some who sadly will never get this life, the meaning and purpose and the fact the God is the one and only thing that makes this world go around.
May 11, 2012