Well time really has a way of wearing on us. My heart feels so heavy dreaming of all of my moments with my little girl and wishing I could hold her. It’s a cycle, you draw strength to put one foot in front of the other, then you burn out and come crashing down, and you’re like a helpless child crying and wailing from the pain. And then you pick yourself up, again and again. I’m told I’ll get better at “coping”. And that is coming from other Moms and Dads who have lost children. I don’t take any advice from anyone who doesn’t know what it is like to be me. I guess I can see that yes, we will grow and change, because the strength God draws out of a parent like me is a real wonder. But never will that mean that we miss our Angel any less, never will that mean our days are once again fulfilled, it just means we can accept the will of God and this life. I talk to my Lexi everyday, I just know that she is always with me and I have so much to say to her. Sometimes I wonder if I’m making it difficult for her when she has to see her Mommy in so much pain and suffering, because the flip side is, my baby is free of any pain, tears and suffering we can experience here and yes, I am grateful to God for that. It’s just torture not being able to hold your baby, smell your baby, feel that soft skin against your cheek and most of all I have to say, I miss the way Alexa reacted to her Mommy, hearing my voice and whipping her head around to give me the biggest, nose scrunching smile ever. I miss the way I could make her giggle uncontrollably and we would just get lost in the moment, by far the biggest joy of my life, the uncontrollable giggle moments with my children. But I’m learning that one of the most difficult things is going to be the fact that everyone around you that experienced this with you will heal rather quickly, and for the most part, they have gone about their days pretty normally, maybe occasionally thinking about your pain, but most people don’t want to give it a moment, for the sake of their discomfort maybe at trying to imagine this nightmare and then just wanting to never even consider it could be them. But the truth is, my pain has yet to peak, like I said, time just wears at you, when you miss your little baby it’s like everyday is a surprise all over again, you still are waking up saying, “really?” You start to think how can I endure one more day, and yet the sun sets and there goes another. The light through all of this darkness, “this too shall pass” and everyday that I make it through, is one day closer. And an amazing miracle of the mystery of Love, my love for Alexa grows and grows, everyday, just the same as my love for Joshua, so where it matters, I am gaining, rich in love and making unbelievable progress. I love my dolly, I miss her terribly, I can’t wait to hold her again, and I know she can’t wait for us to experience Heaven with her. This is not meant to be a negative post, It’s just whats real. And the foundation of this all is that our love will be able to endure any storm until we no longer have to face the storms of this life. I love you Alexa Marie, I am so proud of you, I will continue to make you proud, I promise…You know your Mommy’s heart, you can read me like a book, thank you my little Angel so wise for teaching me all about true love, courage, strength and the purpose of our being.
April 22, 2012