Courageous Journey of An Angel on Earth

Forever One

Will you be forever one? One Christmas, One Easter, One birthday with Daddy, One birthday with Joshua, One birthday with Mommy, One Summer, All we got was one. I don’t even want to think about the unspeakable guilt and pain of your ONE birthday you were aloud to have with us. I couldn’t give you your beautiful party, I couldn’t watch you open any presents. Why is it that I couldn’t just honor the LOVE of my life with our family, why couldn’t I get you dressed up in your beautiful TUTU dress that I custom ordered for you spending weeks to decide on colors and picking the perfect ballet shoes to go with it. All I ever wanted to do was honor you Alexa. I spent so much time and energy just planning for our future and every event that was going to be for you was so extra special, because you are my adored and glorified little girl. We spent your birthday in the hospital, you cried all day, in fact all month, the pain of that memory will weigh on my heart like the heaviest weight I can bear without my heart actually being ripped out. All of the days that I couldn’t control what was going on are slicing me up inside right now, I feel the urge to look you in the eyes and tell you again, how sorry I am. To lose control and watch you deal with relentless pain one day after the next, I could die just thinking about it, and people will say, “don’t let yourself go back there” well I have to. My life is such a blur, since the day I first brought you to Yale, it was in fast forward and like a video I was watching, you don’t have time to register what is going on, you just have to “Do” and do it fast for your child. I hope that I was the best Mommy for you, I hope that I did a good job of knowing what you needed when you needed it. I know for Damn sure that I didn’t let any of those filthy hands poke you any more than they had to and I know I watched every one of them with such an intensity, I knew their every move when they went near you, and you couldn’t stand anyone near you. I am Sorry Alexa. I don’t know how I am going to do this Life without being able to touch you, hold you, kiss you, smell you, hear you, watch you grow with Joshua. My best friend, we were one Lex, you and Mommy, that’s why I call you Little MaMa, you were a complete and utter copy of me. I could just dream of doing your hair, right now, your hair would be finally growing back, what mommy doesn’t get the joy of doing her daughter’s hair. This one, this mommy got shafted. I couldn’t wait to get you to dance or gymnastics, to school, to buy you new clothes, to do our nails together, to hear you talk to me like Joshua does, just about life, and questions you would have. I just want to be a Mommy, that’s all I ever wanted to be, I don’t have any other desires, none for me, I’m the most unselfish I could be. I devote my life to my children, but now what do I do Lex? I never took my children or my life for granted, like so many people do, until something happens. I wasn’t waiting for something to happen, from the moment I was pregnant with my children I thanked God, in fact I asked God for my children each time. And it wasn’t the smoothest road to get both of you here, I could not believe I was blessed with a little boy and a little girl, how amazing. The fact of it all is that I have my little girl, I have you more than I had you when you were here, It’s just hard for us to comprehend while we are here on this earth. I know that when I see you, you will be a little older, I had the dream already Lex, while you were in treatment, you had long dark hair and you ran up to me, jumped into my arms and wrapped your arms and legs around me and gave me the biggest hug ever. You were about 7 or 8 in my dream. I can’t wait to hug you!! But lets not forget here, there is a mystery to this, Lexi was diagnosed with a disease that had a 95% cure rate, in some cases a 100% cure rate, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? I would like some answers…

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Comments on: "Forever One" (10)

  1. Darlene is the best mom out there, and she better know it forever because Alexa and Joshua sure know it. All she ever wanted to do was make the right decision for our Angel Alexa and she sure did. I made sure to tell her what an out of this world mom she was and tell her that every single decision she ever made was the right one.. She was the one doing all the research on top of taking care of Alexa and making sure she was comfortable to the best if he ability. She was the one asking ‘doctors’ shouldn’t we being doing this? Why isn’t this being done? When will we take action about that? Always questioning, staying on top of things, and digging for the answers that no one wanted to give but were her right to know. She never failed at making the right decision, she knew where Lexy was meant to be. Lexy has the strongest Mommy in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. I’m not putting other Moms down when I say this but when I say it, i truly mean it, Darlene is THE best mother out there.. Hands down. LOVEYOUDEE & LOVEYOUPUMPKINPIE
    LOVEGOOMAMAMA

    • Auntie Danielle said:

      Gooma is definitely right that my sister is the most amazing mother you will ever meet she ln Alexa and Joshua are the two most amazing children and that’s because of their parents I love you all

    • Auntie Danielle said:

      Gooma is definitely right that my sister is the most amazing mother you will ever meet she knows exactly what her children need. Alexa and Joshua are the two most amazing children and that’s because of their parents. I love you all

  2. Aunt Chelly said:

    Alexa, you have the most wonderful, SELFLESS mother anyone could possibly have…she always made sure that you had the best of the best. Mommy always made sure that you had the best care, she never let anyone touch you unless it was absolutely necessary, and yes- you NEVER wanted them to come near you! You have the BEST Mommy, she gave everything for you and Joshua. As soon as your mommy told me she was pregnant with you, I knew she was going to have a beautiful, precious little princess!! And that’s exactly what she had…you! I always loved holding you and squeezing you, kissing and cuddling you! Your mommy knew everything you needed and she made all the right decisions the two of you are one, you always will be…you always knew what your mommy needed to Lex! When she was upset you knew exactly what to do to make her feel better- a smile, a special kiss, a loving hug, your tiny soft hands on her cheeks and the gaze into her eyes, with butterfly kisses-no matter what Lex, you always knew how to make mommy feel better, and she always knew how to make you feel better…THE TWO OF YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ONE! I LOVE YOU ALEXA MARIE… MY ANGEL

  3. Cousin Matthew said:

    Hello lexy. My angel of a cousin. I can say sooo many positive things about you. There is absolutley no doubt in my mind that u have the best mommy daddy and big bro. Ur mommy was one of a kind just like u. Thats y u guys work so well together and will keep it up in the future. Your mommy was a mommy to u first but also a sspecail aunt to me. Ur mommy was, well i dont know what else to say cuz there is soo much to say. Lexi ur the reason on y the giants r making a great run in the playoffs for daddy. I love u (go giants) but even better go lexi

  4. Cousin Madison Who Loves You!! said:

    Lexi Angel It just haunts my brain that you weren’t here long enough but that’s just for a special reason that reason is because your a special one. The most specialest preciest, sweetest ( so many other wonderful adjectives) baby Angel in the whole wideworld. Lex if I was allowed to go to Yale and be with you and be by your side I would have. If I could of came with Aunt Chelly to your house and play with you EVERY single day I would have. And I’m very upset that I didn’t but there is another place and one of them for right now is in my brain when I’m sleeping. If I could Lexi I will dream about you EVERY SINGLE night. If I could I would visit you. Better yet live with you. I can’t wait to see you Lexi and ALWAYS remember that you have the BEST mommy and daddy and BuBu in the WHOLE ENTIRE world. I love You Infinity Alexa Marie and i always will Now and Forever and I cannot wait to see you in Heaven!!!
    LOVE YOU LEXI ANGEL INFINITY AND ALWAYS!!!

  5. Cousin Matthew said:

    Hey lexi, you did it for daddy. The giants are in the super bowl baby. Oh yeahh… Now all thats left is to get that lombardi trophy. once you get the lombardi, you can start the party. Love all of you.

  6. Auntie Danielle said:

    Forever my angel Alexa Marie!

  7. Cousin Matthew said:

    Lexy you are my everything. I love you sooooooooooooo much xoxo

  8. Hi, I followed a link from Momminusone to your blog. I am so very sorry that you lost your gorgeous little girl. She was an angel when you had her in your arms, but she got her wings only one year after beginning her life. Why? I don’t think any answer would make sense to this mother with empty arms. You are not alone bereaved Mommy. Here is a hug.

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